The Secret Thoughts of Abby
by Taylorrox
Summary: This is like Abby's diary of season 14. This is my first time posting on here so read and review...
1. Chapter 1

The Secret Thoughts of Abby

I put myself into Abby's head for some of season 14. Yes I have changed some events and feelings. I have also changed the order of things and I will continue this story with a somewhat different path than what the show takes. Please rate and review as this is the first story that I posted on here…be nice!

Chapter 1

Today I lost the love of my life, Luka.

He flew off to Croatia and all I could do is think about how I have to go to the rehab center tomorrow to fix myself. I hate the person that I am and I know that if I don't change who I am soon than I will loose Luka and Joe forever.

I am not sure if Luka still loves me anymore but I know that Joe loves me as he gives me plenty of kisses and hugs when I get home from the hospital.

Oh how I remember the day that his baby sitter brought him into the ER covered in blood. He apparently fell on the playground but his injuries seemed to be worse than any that you could get there. Luka was in Croatia during this time taking care of his sick father so I completely blamed myself for everything that happened. It was my fault that he got hurt, I hired _that_ baby sitter, if I didn't have to work all the time than I could have watched him better.

I can always think of reasons why it could have been my fault but others reassured me that it was the babysitters fault and that there was nothing I could do to stop it even though I still blame myself.

Remember that night with Moretti? I wish that night never happened; I wish that I never started drinking as a teenager. Maybe if I said no to that first drink then my life wouldn't be like this. I would just be living with my husband and baby in the city. I dream about it all the time.

What if my life were different? What if I had never met Luka? What would have happened if I said yes to Carter? All these things I replay in my mind like an old television show; over and over again until I have it memorized. So many things have happened this year and I don't know what to do anymore.

Neela keeps telling me that I will get through this and in the end everything will turn out ok but I have no faith in myself. With my luck Luka and Joe will never come back from Croatia. Luka could start a family with a new woman and I would be left here in Chicago with no husband and no baby. I would have basically wasted my whole life because I can't live without Joe or Luka in my life, I love them dearly and I just hope they feel the same.

I remember when I first told Luka that I slept with Moretti, It was so hard for me to get enough guts to even tell him but I had to because he knew that something was going on. I thought that when I told him he would understand that I was drunk and I wasn't thinking straight but he didn't, he flipped out on me and left the apartment for the night. To this day is still don't know where he went but I am sure he was pissed at me. Things never go the way I plan, and that way always seems to hurt. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore, every decision that I make is the wrong one and I can't get myself on the right path again.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Hey! This is my second chapter…it is short but it is still an update!!**

**I checked myself into rehab and let me tell you there are some crazy people in here. We have to wear uniforms and the food sucks. **

**If it were just me I would pack up my things and leave but I have to get through this for my family. **

**While I was in rehab Luka came all the way back from Croatia to visit me. Things were awkward between us and I wasn't sure what to say to him and he probably felt the same with me. He gave me pictures of Joe with his family that I kept under my pillow and I would look at them each night before I would go to sleep. **

**When I looked at Joe and his grandpa I would just wonder what Joe is doing at this exact moment. Is he sleeping? Is he eating? Is he safe? It amazes me when a person can be doing something at this very second like every sixty seconds someone dies from cancer. I mean if you really put your life in perspective it is so mind boggling how everything seems to work. It is hard to think about all the people that come and leave this world everyday and yet we still think the world revolves around us. One little human being. **

**After rehab I went back to work for a couple of days to get myself together before I went to Croatia. Well at least that's what I thought but it turned into a nightmare.**

**I called a meeting in the doctors lounge and I told everyone why I was not at work for the past month as I speculated that rumors were going around the hospital but it turns out they all thought I was in Croatia with Luka. I wish I was.**

**The people I though were my friends ended up turning their backs on me, only Pratt and Neela remained in the room after the meeting to offer support and they told me that if I ever needed anything they would be there for me. I left work that night but not before the rest of the staff gave me dirty looks and whispered behind my back. **

**They started questioning my work and wouldn't discharge my patients when I told them to. I guess I thought that my friends would stand by me but I guess I would react as they did if It was someone I worked with. That night I left and talked with Neela out in the ambulance bay. She told me how sorry she was for not knowing the truth and that if she had known she would have been there for me and supported me even when my family abandoned me.**


	3. Chapter 3

Hey! This is another update...school has been busy so it takes a little longer to update...read and review please!!

The next step was getting on a plane to go to Croatia

The next step was getting on a plane to go to Croatia. The flight was almost 12 hours and I hate flying so I was scared to death the whole time and it didn't help that I was alone sitting next to some crying infant in her mothers lap. I couldn't sleep at all on the plane. I even turned up my music real loud to try and drown out the crying but it seemed the baby would get louder when I did.

The food on the plane was awful and I was nervous about eating it as we have patients that come in the ER from food poisoning from airplane food. In the middle of the flight we must have gone through a storm because we had some pretty bad turbulence but since it was dark outside I couldn't see anything.

Finally I got to get off of that plane and catch a connecting flight. I walked through the airport and got something to eat at some health food stand. The food was gross but I was starving and it was the only thing opened at this hour of the night.

I then went to the next plane. This plane ride was better, much quieter. I was sitting next to the window and there was an empty seat between me and the other passenger and I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up we were landing.

As soon as I realized where I was I immediately got a lump in my throat and butterflies in my stomach. I am so nervous about seeing Luka. I am not even sure if he wants me here. He is supposed to pick me up at the airport.

I walked out of the baggage claim and into the pick up and drop off area to look for Luka. He was parked a few cars down and surprisingly ran up to hug me when he saw me.

Maybe he does miss me? This was absolutely not the reaction I thought I would get as we left things badly but I am okay with this so far. "I have missed you so much" Luka said to me in the middle of our embrace. It was good to hear his Croatian accent again.

He then put my suitcase in the trunk of his car and we were off to his family's house. When we got to his house he introduced me to all of his family and then he told me to close my eyes.

To my surprise he went into a room and got Joe. Luka told me to stay where I am and then he set Joe down on the floor. Joe walked over to me. I was so pleased and proud of him but yet I was saddened inside because I missed his first steps.

That was another memory that I could never get back. If I could I would turn back time just to watch my son take his first steps. It was getting late and Luka said that it was time for Joe to go to bed so we put him down.

Luka showed me around the house and offered me something to eat but I wasn't hungry at the time. I remember thinking about what kind of food they ate here and if I would like it or not but it turned out to be delicious and some restaurants offer Americanized versions of their food.

That night Luka and I shared a bed. Something we have not done in a very long time. We didn't sleep together, we just cuddled and talked for a while about everything that was going on. It felt so good to be in his arms again. I missed what it felt like to be wanted and to be loved.


	4. Chapter 4

Lol i did this fast that is why it is so short...i wanted to update but i have so much homework i dont have time to do a longer update!

In the morning Luka took Joe and I around town. He took me to all the places he enjoyed growing up and we stopped at a park Luka played at when he was little so Joe could play there.

"I never thought that all of my children would play on this playground." Luka said to me. I then asked him if his daughter and son used to come here and he told me that this was their favorite place in the whole world. I knew that this park brought back memories for Luka. I could tell that he was upset. I told him that it was ok to be sad about his wife. Luka actually had stray tears rolling down his cheeks.

I had never really seen Luka cry before, well when Joe was in the NICU but other than that I don't think I have. I wiped the tears off of his cheeks and put my arms around his waist. I knew that coming back here would be like this. After the park we went back to his parent's house and ate dinner. We stayed in Croatia for about a month and then we flew back as a family.

Getting our lives back to normal was my next challenge. Luka and I never regained that trust or comfort level with each other. Or at least he hasn't been comfortable with me lately.

When I first got here everything seemed like it was going well but towards the end of my stay things got cold between us. I don't know what happened, we didn't fight or anything. It is like someone just blew out a candle, one second it is there and the next the feelings are gone.

Maybe coming home to our apartment brought back the memory of the night I told him I cheated on him? I wish I could get into his mind if only for a second and answer all these questions. I want to know how he truly feels about me but he just clams up and won't talk to me when I ask him.


	5. Chapter 5

**ok so i am trying to keep going with this story but i am just so busy with school and the holidays coming up and everything but i will try to update as much as i can....thanks for reading **

**A week after we got home I went back to work. The day I had been dreading. I didn't exactly leave on a good note. People didn't like me when I left and now that Luka is back at the hospital more rumors are going to start about us. **

**I just keep thinking about when Neela told me that everything will turn out ok, things are far from OK in my house. Luka and I are very distant, we don't even talk to each other anymore. I feel that Joe is picking up on the tension between us now and that scares me. I don't want him to suffer because his dad and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship.**

**Joe will try to get us in the same room at the same time and he will also start to scream the minute he hears one of us yell. I am not sure if our yelling scares him or he just wants to be the loudest one in the house as he is not crying, he just yells. Joe is also starting to misbehave more and more like breaking glass objects from our coffee table or pulling down all the blinds, things he never used to be interested in. **

**My first day at work, well was surprisingly welcoming. I guess with being gone for a month people had time to get over my past and forgive me. Except Sam, she still avoids me and wont take orders from me, I think part of it is because a couple of years ago she was with Luka and she said she "loved" him.**

**Luka told me that he could tell that she wasn't over him when he told her that I was pregnant. I mean that was ok at the time since it wasn't interfering with my patients but now it is becoming a problem. It is jealousy. I was totally jealous when I found out that Luka and Sam were dating. Then I would see Luka playing basketball with Sam's kid and think to myself, wow I wish that were me.**

**Now it is me, or at least I hope. Anyway back to the hospital. People were helping me get back in tune with working a 12 hour shift. Let me tell you those were some of the hardest hours of my life. I had to push myself to my limit and I don't do that often. It is amazing how much I was behind just from missing a month of work. The admit area was changed and the sign in chart was also changed. I have to get used to the way things work around here…again. **


End file.
